John H. Gohde: his hatred and racism cataloged

Dear Self-Declared Health Expert John Gohde,

If someone posts on Usenet asking for advice and saying that they weigh just 80 pounds and have a BMI of just 15, what is the best advice to give them ?

Yours,

HD, Virginia.

---

Dear HD,

Glad you asked. I answered a query like this before.

Here’s what to do, if you want to be just like me. And who wouldn’t ?

1. First, try to create an aura of credibility, and claim that you “heal health conditions”.

2. As an opening gambit, mock the original poster’s condition, and accuse them of having mental health issues.

When I read a post like this, I see mental problems written all over it. A BMI of 15 is laughable

3. Don’t express even the least amount of compassion. Instead, say that you wish them dead. It’s all part of the “Natural Health Perspective” !

If you want to die Lady, then go right ahead. Don’t eat and see if I care. YOU are the person who is going to die, not me.

4. When the original poster proves that your original ‘diagnosis” was incorrect, ignore this. To do otherwise would destroy your aura of perfection, and anyway - no-one else will ever notice.

Original poster: I don’t have anorexia or any other mental problems. I do eat regularly but it’s just that I can’t gain weight.
Gohde: [silence]

5. Now you’ve been proven embarassingly wrong, get your own back by patronising and belittling the original poster:

Original poster: By the way, I’m 19.
Health expert Gohde: 19! Really imagine that. …Drink your calories on dear.

6. Make your bizarre, unsourced diagnosis based on no medical knowledge:

I prescribe that you start drinking a milkshake every 2 or 3 hours. You can buy special weight gaining powers at health food stores, etc. And, there is the old standard of milk, heavy cholocate syrup, and even ice cream.

7. Make it absolutely clear that there can be only one possible cause, and only one possible treatment, for the symptoms described:

Believing other wise denotes in my book some kind of a mental problem.

9. Other posters might start to ignore what your diagnosis, and recommend all kind of crazy wacky ideas, like visiting a doctor. Ignore them. They are all losers, and they don’t have their own website.

Poster one: Visit doctor ASAP…
Poster two: Go and see your doctor as soon as possible…

10. Other crazy posters might think that changing diet to include a whole load of sugary, fatty foods is somehow not the best solution. They might make alternative, rational, suggestions, which will be detailed and supported by that whole “science” dohickey which you don;t believe in. (Remember: Science sounds good in theory; but falls short on performance., and People who rely on Science to guide their lives are fools)

Poster one: When glucagon is acting uncontrolled because there is more
glucagon than insulin around,gluconeogenesis and lipolysis is stimulated but most of the products are just released in urine instead of being used for your body as energy. So the net effect will then be that you eat a lot, but don’t gain weight, or even is slimming further.

Poster two: As for gaining weight healthfully, I suggest that aside from eating 3 meals you snack with things like: almond butter on whole wheat toast and maybe a banana if you can fit it in, or plain unsweetened low-fat
yogurt filled with fresh fruit like strawberries or bluberries followed by a banana. Nuts are a great way to snack healthy and get some calories: Almonds, walnuts, hazelnuts, and macadamia nuts with the last two rich in monosaturated fat.

Poster three: There aren’t any glucagon receptors on muscle, so it doesn’t cause the muscle wasting that cortisol does. It’s also why muscle glycogen doesn’t get broken down to release glucose into the blood in response to
hypoglycaemia.

11. The original poster might, for some strange reason, ignore your advice, and instead discuss the alternatives with other contributors to the thread. When that happens, you need to make a bitter, spiteful, unhelpful and patronising one-line post.

That is not how it works dear!

12. At this stage, your advice will still be ignored, and other posters may start a civilised debate using big booklearnin’ words like “phytates” and “inositolhexaphosphoric acid”. You don’t know what these words mean, because you did an accountancy degree, and only did that to dodge the draft. You need to drag the debate down to your level. First, accuse all other contributors of being morons:

Contrary to all the garbage that has been posted on this THREAD…the science Geeks on smn always try to confuse you by their changing the topic of your THREAD. They do this with all the posts. Yours was no exception.

13. Mistake symptoms for causes:

you have only one problem. Your BMI is 15!!! That is your problem, period

14. Finally, having tried and failed to do serious damage to someone’s health, slink off while others are still correcting your dangerous mistakes.

Poster one: John, be careful now !! She has amino acids leaking out of kidneys. I think she should rather see a nutritionist and get better advices than eating lots of proteins.

15. You’re done ! That’s the Natural Health Perspective way of healing health issues !

John H. Gohde is a nationally syndicated health expert who is here to answer your health problems. In his own words, he “heals health conditions”, despite having no education in the field. He does have two low-rating degrees from provincial universities in Accountancy and he once did a thirty-hour long course on computer studies. His marriage failed, his son is ashamed of him, and he is a figure of derision at work. But in the words of the notorious and obsessive Usenet troll : “Why should I be modest? I have created a totally unique health program called the Natural Health Perspective tm. What have you done? ” Disclaimer: If you follow his health advice, you’re likely to cause yourself severe damage, probably by splitting your sides laughing.